“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what other people think
– or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?
Brene Brown
Rejection will come. We see and read about so many stories of rejection and we applaud those who persevere and overcome intentional slights or outright rejection. We marvel at people who are knocked down and are able to shake off the dust and rise again. J.K. Rowling’s first “Harry Potter” novel was rejected 12 times and Stephen King’s story “Carrie” was rejected 38 times. Oprah Winfrey was rejected from a local news station and turned that rejection into a highly successful national talk show. Imagine what would have happened if these three had not persisted! The world would have missed their significant contributions.
Rejection begins early in life for most people. When we were children, we learned to cope with being excluded or rejected – not being chosen to play a game, or not being invited to a sleepover. We might have been the last to be selected to a sports team or later as a teen, we may have missed the senior prom for many reasons. In these times, we felt alone or worthless and cried our eyes out, or we decided we would be strong and put up a strong front, not letting others see our pain. These are not fond memories.
In business, rejection happens when we least expect it – we didn’t get the promotion or raise we felt we deserved, we were not invited to a team event, we were not selected to attend a meeting overseas, or our position was eliminated.
Rejection happens frequently and it happens to all of us. It’s how we manage it that makes the difference.
If you are dealing with rejection, or encounter it in the future, below is a Phases of Rejection© framework that will help you move through it quickly.
Phases of Rejection
Phase 1: Hurt, Embarrassment and Anger
The initial reaction when you feel rejected is inevitably some internal pain for most normal people. Your stomach may flutter, you may become irritated, you may be unable to think clearly at first, or you may lapse into tears. Your brain is initially blocked from clarity because you are in fight, flight or freeze mode.Recognize the voices in your head, the ones that tell you that you don’t measure up, it is your fault, you always get the short end of the stick, or you never do anything right. You end up condemning yourself when nothing could be further from the truth. Self-deprecation tends to be our safety net when we are hurt or feeling insecure, regardless of the mask we wear.
You can become agitated and angry as rejection sets in, especially if you feel you have done nothing wrong.
Some of the things you may tell yourself:
- How could they do this to me?
- I thought he/she was my friend
- That was so unfair
- Who do they think they are?
- What an awful person!
- They’ll be sorry that they did/said this
Allow yourself to feel the initial emotions and know that this is normal. Take a walk, find a change of scenery or call a real friend to decompress.
Phase 2: Assimilation and Processing
Move as quickly as you can to the processing phase where you will be able to put the situation in perspective.
Acknowledge your emotions:
- Why are you feeling rejected?
- What happened to make you feel this way?
- What is the emotion you are feeling? Name it and don’t camouflage what you are feeling.
- What are you telling yourself? Could you be wrong?
- What assumptions are you making about what happened?
- What are the actual facts about the situation?
Decide what you really want:
- What do you really want to do in your heart of hearts? What will best serve you?
– Strike back – This will create further adversities and you will be in constant win-lose mode
– Hold on to it – Ongoing rumination about the situation will consume you
– Revisit – Unease and anxiety will be constant
– Let it go – Allows you to move on to freedom
Retrain your brain:
- Every time a negative thought comes about the situation, replace it with a positive thought about who you are.
- Start a gratitude journal and record things you are thankful for on a daily basis.
- What is your track record? Play back your most significant accomplishments and stay in a self-gratification mode.
- Take off negative labels that you have so generously given yourself. Put on new labels. Shift to your uniqueness and how special you are.
Phase 3: Peace, Release and Freedom
The shift from the fear of what others think to your belief in your own strengths and authenticity marks the entry into this phase.
Shift to facts about you and your own value and worth:
- Make a list of your considerable talents and read them out loud. You are awesome and strong!
- You are a perfect specimen with imperfections, and allowed to make mistakes
- What others say or do is not your issue. You cannot control what other people think or do. You can only control yourself.
Talk to people who love and care about you regularly or people who uplift you. I did this with a trusted confidant when I was feeling rejected and never looked back. The turning point was the realization that the person who made me feel badly didn’t really care how I felt. They were consumed with their own selfish aims. It was the best thing I did because the conversation helped me to shift to my own positive qualities and move on. Activate the “feel-good” part of your brain as much as possible.
Take actions that avoid a similar situation in the future:
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.
Chinese Proverb
Do the work to find ways to prevent a retake. Acknowledge a mistake if it’s yours.
Set a series of events in motion that prevent the rejection from repeating itself. There are a range of possibilities, and one is potentially following up with the person(s) involved to have a healthy conversation. If the person is resistant or unforgiving, you have no choice but to move on.
Holding grudges for long periods is a hazard to your health because your body experiences stress every time you recall the situation. This is unfortunate because the person or people in question have long since forgotten or moved on. Don’t base your self-esteem on what other people think.
Staying in a toxic situation or one that is misaligned with your values creates more stress and anxiety than you may realize. Recognize the signals and decide what to do by weighing your options, and your tolerance level.
Try hard not to burn bridges, and do things that help you:
Losing a job for any reason usually creates rejection and hurt. It’s difficult at the time, but oftentimes, it is the best thing that could have happened to you. One door closes so that another, more rewarding one can open. Focus on what you need and gain the support of those who can help you make a smooth transition. Allow yourself time to compose yourself and think, so that you can ask for what you need.
When you are overlooked for a promotion or salary increase consistently, you can plan to avoid this happening again. You have many options such as having an honest conversation with your stakeholders, interviewing with other companies on an exploratory basis or to get on their radar, or putting your feelers out in your network. Make a plan to be ready for the next steps.
Once you commit to releasing your fear of what other people may think or do, you will gain a sense of control that sets you free from anxiety and insecurity, and allows you to be in resonance.